This article is completely satire, any resemblance to any real person is completely coincidental. The statements in the french fry do not reflect the views of the Northern Iowan, nor do they reflect the views of the advertisers outside of this insert.

On Monday morning, the UNI administration cancelled all in-person classes for the week of March 29 – April 2.

The UNI Alert sent via email said, “Due to… extreme ‘conditions,’ all face-to-face classes are cancelled. Just meet in Zoom, I guess. Isn’t that why we’re paying thousands to them????”

UNI President Mike Gnook then sent a tweet saying he “saw a single snowflake and figured a big snowstorm was coming.”

“Since we live in a time where we can cancel classes and have Zoom meetings instead, I decided to just play it safe and cancel,” Gnook told the Northern Iowan. “The safety of all Panthers is our number-one priority.”

Abbie Cooler, a junior physical education major, said, “Yeah, I think he just saw the Christmas lights on one of the houses across the street and thought it was a snowflake.”

Even professors, among them environmental science teacher Jet Buffer, thought it was very strange.

“Yeah, it’s been 50-60 degrees for the past few weeks,” he said. “How could there be a snowstorm?”

He then huffed and said, “Global warming, I guess.” 

Others, including a senior economics major who requested to remain anonymous, took a more cynical view.

“It’s all about the financials,” they said. “If they move classes online, they can also close campus buildings like the library and the Union and the WRC, which means that some hourly employees don’t come to work, which means they don’t have to pay them. It even keeps maintenance costs down— lights off, electricity bill lower, the whole works. They have figured out that the more they can shove us online, the better.”

Someone close to Gnook, however, saw the decision as a charitable response to the lack of a scheduled spring break this semester.

“I thought I heard him say something about seeing the error of his ways and making spring break for everyone,’” said the source.

At press time, most trees on campus were full of hammocks and all the Adirondack chairs on Lawther Field were occupied as Panthers took advantage of the beautiful weather to attend their now-virtual classes outside.

“Well, we will never know why Gnook cancelled classes, but I guess we should all go outside in this warm weather and enjoy,” said sophomore elementary education major Sonny Dais. “But don’t be surprised if it gets too windy and he decides to cancel classes again.”