This article is completely satire, any resemblance to any real person is completely coincidental. The statements in the french fry do not reflect the views of the Northern Iowan, nor do they reflect the views of the advertisers outside of this insert.

For the first time since 1977, the UNI-Dome will be deflated from 124 feet in the sky to just 18 feet off the ground. The deflation will occur imminently as the UNI-Dome remains empty during the offseason for the school’s football team. 

“Everyone knows the economy has been bad since the pandemic started, and that prices as a whole have gone up. The price for air is just one of those things that we can’t afford anymore,” said Dave Sportacus, Director of Athletics. 

Yes, the price for the air that fills the dome has drastically increased since the start of the pandemic, mainly due to supply shortages. 

CEO of Air Inc., Buzz Airhead, says that these supply shortages are because of the drastic increase in working from home. 

“Because everyone is now working from home, there are a lot more people that demand indoor air. We’ve raised our prices because we can. What are you going to do, not buy air? Good luck breathing.”

Those may be harsh words from an executive, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t true. Global indoor air consumption has gone up a whopping 6,000% since the start of the pandemic. 

In the meantime, the deflated dome will be filled with water to create the state’s largest swimming pool. Sportacus hopes that the pool will increase tourism to the Cedar Falls area, and help residents cool off in the summer. 

“This plan should go off without a hitch, as long as no one pokes a hole in the fabric,” Sportacus said nervously. 

Once the football season starts up again, UNI athletics will turn towards a renewable solution to reinflating the dome. Instead of buying a large amount of air, the facilities staff will simply prop all the doors open and let the wind do the rest. 

“I don’t know how we didn’t think of this solution earlier,” said facilities manager Beth Domerson. “We’ve finally found a way to use this nasty wind to our advantage.”

The water from the pool will be used to water the city’s grass for the next few months, free of charge to all residents. And if everything goes well, Sportacus has plans to refill the deflated dome in the winter and create a giant ice rink. 

“Who knows, maybe we’ll finally be ready to make a bid for Cedar Falls to host the 2030 Winter Olympics.”