This article is completely satire, any resemblance to any real person is completely coincidental. The statements in the french fry do not reflect the views of the Northern Iowan, nor do they reflect the views of the advertisers outside of this insert.

Every student got the emergency email, call or text last week – another stolen car. But this time the notification was a little unexpected, the stolen car  was none other than Nark Mook’s purple 2004 Dodge minivan. Having parked his car on 23rd street, he claims he did everything right, but that did not stop the thief. Mook’s car was stolen around 4:43 p.m. and has not been found yet. The police are still investigating. 

“Honestly we’re not surprised it was stolen,” Policeman Jerry Smith said.. “It was unlocked and a few windows were rolled down. We’re still on the search for the vehicle, but it’s an oddly popular vehicle driven today.,considering it’s a purple minivan.” 

With all these vehicles being stolen lately, we got some great advice from Smith. “Always lock your car. Mook was just going to Chad’s pizza, but he still should’ve locked his car for a short trip. You should always take valuables out of your car, or keep them hidden. Mook may have been going in for a quick stop, but he left his house keys in there. So we’re also keeping a close eye on his house.”  

“We have had a few witnesses speak up, but they’re all very bizarre,” continued Policeman Smith. “One witness mentioned they had really big feet and a tail. Another witness said they were wearing all black, but had a purple jersey on. Now we don’t want to blame our lovable mascots TC and TK, but we are starting to wonder.”

So just take this as a friendly reminder that no one is safe anymore. If Nark Mook can have his minivan stolen, your vehicle can be stolen too. Nobody is safe anymore.