This article is completely satire, any resemblance to any real person is completely coincidental. The statements in the french fry do not reflect the views of the Northern Iowan, nor do they reflect the views of the advertisers outside of this insert.

In a recent press release, president Nark Mook acknowledged the ever present parking issues here at UNI. Students who live on campus have forever dreaded coming back from a long shift at work to the crowded CP lot. But according to Mook, that issue will be something of the past with new regulations that will be implemented in this fall. 

“Since students are having such difficulty with finding parking after paying so much for it, instead of limiting the amount of passes that we sell to the number of spots we have we’re trying out something different.” Mook said. 

This change involves a lot of cooperation and participation between UNIPD, UNI Parking and students. This coming semester, to acquire a parking permit from UNI students will have to present a DNA sample, nasal swab, blood sample, urine sample and drug test to UNI Parking and UNIPD. According to Mook, this change will, “ensure that students that actually want a parking spot will be able to get one.”

“Obviously we will be charging students for the supplies,” Mook continued. “Think of it as the price of a required textbook for a class. You need to buy the book to be able to do well in the class, and you’ll need to buy the sample tests and swabs to be able to buy a parking pass. It’s really pretty simple.” 

The price of the sample tests and swabs aren’t the only prices students might have to worry about. With the new requirements being implemented, permit and ticket prices are also being raised. The old price of a $100 CP pass will be raised to $150, and the old price of a C pass will be raised from $60 to $100. 

“If you think that’s bad, try going to ISU and buying a parking pass,” Mook continued, referencing Iowa State University’s lottery method of parking pass distribution and high prices. In addition to the sharp uptick in parking pass prices, ticket prices will be raising, too. Long gone are the days of $10, $15, $25 tickets. 

Mook’s decision to raise each ticket price to $50 and $75, depending on the parking offense, doesn’t come without reason. “Students need to learn that their actions have consequences. A harsher consequence will lead to more students abiding by our rules here at UNI.” 

With the new rules coming in the fall, students weigh in on Mook’s decision. “I think it’s outrageous,” Kinsley Kale said. “A drug test? For a parking pass? Have fun not being able to fill your lots.” 

Another student, David Dumplings, had a different angle. “Maybe just don’t oversell your lots. You made the parking lots. You know how many spots you have. This is an issue you created by overselling, putting more restrictions on student’s autonomy won’t fix it.” 

Mook stands by the University’s decision. “The extra cost won’t be an issue to the students that want permits. We’re going to wring every cent we can from the students, as we’ve always done.” He ended the interview with an evil laugh while spinning slowly around in his spinny chair.

UNI Parking will begin selling permits for fall semester on June 1, 2022. Sample tests and swabs will be for purchase at the UNI Bookstore and Gilchrist on May 1, 2022.