Student receives strange powers after bite

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Spidey-cam

The university’s spidey-cam captured Spidergirl scaling the Campanile for fun.

Johnny Mad-Hands, Satirist

After being bitten by a spider in her room, a Rider Hall resident has been seen swinging from building to building on campus. The web-slinging student agreed to speak with the Northern Iowan (NI), but wished to go by the name Spidergirl to avoid NI Art Director, Eyelash Seinfeld. Seinfeld has been aggressively attempting to get pictures of the student since the web-slinging sightings first began. Spidergirl first wanted to clarify the language surrounding mutations.

“Mutant really is an outdated, derogatory term,” Spidergirl said. “We prefer ‘people with mutations’ — unless you are in Magneto’s gang with all the flare and costuming. They like to emphasize that they’re mutants, but usually they’re compensating for something.” According to Spidergirl, people without mutations are called ‘normies’ by people with mutations. Spidergirl spoke of her first realization of being a person with a mutation.

“Well I first noticed that something had changed when I went to leave my room to go to class one morning,” Spidergirl said. “I grabbed the door handle and opened the door and about 10 feet down the hallway I still had the handle in my hand.”

According to Spidergirl, she was running late for class so she stuffed the door handle in her hoodie pocket and had to right with her left hand for the rest of the class.

“I got the whole sticky hands thing figured out now,” Spidergirl said. “Now I have plans to take this problem to the administrative level.”

After suffering the initial spider bite, Spidergirl’s family paid thousands of dollars in medical expenses which the university did not reimburse. President Gnook agreed to comment on the situation.

“Wait really? She can swing from building to building?” Gnook said. “Look I just got a budget submitted and the Iowa Legislature isn’t doing me any favors. How am I supposed to deal with a superpowered student roaming campus when I can barely deal with a superpowered Republican party roaming Capitol Hill?”

According to Spidergirl, Gnook does not have the requisite diversity qualifications to deal with her problem. “With great administrative power comes great responsibility to the students,” Spidergirl said. “But with great super powers comes great responsibility for me to annoy the administration.”

Spidergirl plans to web the president’s office shut in protest of his lack of support for people with mutations on campus.

“I would transfer to Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters,” Spidergirl said. “But that place has been destroyed so many times that tuition is through the roof. I can barely afford UNI, and we’re the red-headed stepchild of the big three.”

According to Spidergirl, this mutation has caused quite an adjustment in her life, but there are some perks. “It makes getting around a lot easier,” Spidergirl said. “The only problem is that once I get off campus the buildings aren’t tall enough so I have to take the bus, but at least the whole wall climbing thing helped avoid the all-state speech crowd in the union.”

Spidergirl said that she is not a superhero, but that she is trying to live a normal life.

“I just want to go to college like anyone else,” Spidergirl said. “I want to pass my classes, take long naps, and go to Sharky’s on the weekends,” Spidergirl said.

According to Spidergirl, normies can simulate what it is like to have her wall-climbing ability by rubbing their hands on Sharky’s carpet and trying to climb the walls on a Saturday night.