In a stunning exercise of executive prerogative, recently named UNI President Mike Gnook has rewritten university code to include the immediate construction of a wall. The action, announced in an email to UNI students on April 1, is a move to curb what the administration sees as a “problematic trend” in student behavior.

“The University of Northern Iowa has been embarrassed by recently released data that claims UNI is a ‘suitcase campus,’” stated the president’s email. “Students are packing up and leaving for the weekend in droves, and we will not stand for it … Let us be clear: we are going to build this wall not to keep people out, but to keep students in.”

Recent data released by the Center for Student Population Studies (CSPS) reports 99 percent of UNI students surveyed said they prefer to head for home each weekend rather than staying on campus. The CSPS concluded that UNI is, in fact, a “suitcase campus” — a conclusion that struck many UNI students as quite obvious.

“It’s easier to just pack up and go,” said Phil Student, a freshman general studies major. “I don’t think I know any students who stay in Cedar Falls on the weekend. There’s nothing here for us, and our families are just so close.”

Gnook said the “suitcase campus” phenomenon is an embarrassment to UNI, and his administration will not tolerate it.

“Let me tell you, we can fix this. And we will fix it  bigly with a tremendously big, big wall. It’s gonna be a yuge, beautiful, gorgeous wall,” Gnook said in an interview with the Northern Iowan. “This wall represents this administration’s central philosophy: UNI first.”

Records show UNI’s code has since been updated with language regarding the wall’s construction.

“A physical barrier along the southern border of UNI’s campus shall be constructed immediately. It will be monitored and supported by adequate personnel as to preserve the security of the student population,” reads UNI’s updated code.

The Board of Regents has come out in support of the wall, provided that students pay for it.

“If President Gnook wants the support of the Board, this wall must be paid for with a nominal increase in tuition,” said Butch Rattata, president of the BOR. “We could get on board with that.”

Experts said Gnook’s administration would be wise to take advantage of the longstanding BOR philosophy that any tuition hike is a good tuition hike.

“If Gnook goes that route — raising tuition prices — he’ll get his wall,” said Joe Researcher, a researcher researching research. “They’ll support any increase in student tuition as long as it’s an increase in student tuition.”

Experts have estimated tuition will need to be raised to $100,000 per student in order to cover the cost of the wall.

Despite comments from the BOR, Gnook promised the UNI community that other regent institutions will foot the bill for the wall.

“Iowa City, Ames — they’re the one’s siphoning our students on the weekends,” Gnook said in an impassioned speech he made from atop the Maucker Union. “Let the University of Iowa pay for it! Let ISU pay for it!”

Neither the U of I nor ISU has expressed interest in paying for the wall; both university presidents have issued statements denouncing Nook’s actions.

Shortly before press time, various students told the Northern Iowan their U-bills had incurred substantial charges, amounting to roughly $100,000. The NI has been unable to verify these claims due to privacy laws.