Ranschau is redeemed vs hurdle

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Photographer

Above is the wily hurdle in question.

Noe Hops, Satirist

The indoor season for track and field has just recently gotten underway, and athletes have been conditioning in their different events before the outdoor season begins and the weather gets nicer. Sprinters are sprinting quicker, distances are getting longer and throwers are throwing farther.

For those individuals who can clear hurdles or jump like a tree frog, (tree frogs can jump 150 times their own body length, according to the Kratt brothers of Zoboomafoo fame) they face a challenge other track athletes do not have to worry about.

Because what goes up must come down, hurdles can easily clip anyone trying to go top speed in a close race. Hurdlers perfect their approach to allow little distance between themselves and the top of the hurdle in order to clear it as quickly as possible.

Abigail Ranschau is a hurdler at UNI who was attacked by one of these monsters, which caught her off guard and resulted in a nasty fall. When asked about the encounter, Ranschau had no intentions of even jumping over it, but the hurdle decided to take its shot anyway.

“I was doing some warm-ups and work on my footing a little,” Ranschau said. “It wasn’t even set up, and I was just surprised.”

After that day, Ranschau would begin training at a much higher intensity and was clearing hurdles with ease. She changed her diet, warmup routines and pre-meet rituals dramatically before challenging that particular hurdle to a rematch.

While Ranschau had been practicing for the event, the hurdle did nothing to prepare. It never moved and just laid around the UNI-Dome, either out of confidence or laziness. It was apparent that the hurdle was confident it was going to clip the determined hurdler once again.

According to Ranshau, on the week of the rematch, the hurdle and the hurdler met up and discussed a wager on the match. Ranschau said she had shown zero signs of weakness and that she had never even considered the idea of defeat.

After their conversation, it was publicly announced that the bet involved a particularly interesting stipulation: if the hurdle lost in this second encounter to Ranshau, then it would have to relinquish its hurdle designation and be demoted to barricade for the concession stand at the local fair.

According to police reports from last week, the hurdle tried to use illegal performance enhancers, but they were not compatible with its steel frame so the police let it off the hook. It tried to hire a personal trainer but no one had the patience to train a collegiate hurdle.

Three days before the match, and running out of time, the hurdle tried to make a claim about how the match was unfair due to all of the additional help Ranschau was receiving from coaches and teammates.

No one even raised an eyebrow at its comment, as 97 percent of the world guessed Ranschau would win. People everywhere were betting on this event, the largest dollar value being $18 million.

On the day of the rematch, the hurdle tried to apologize but Ranschau ignored it. The gun went off to start, and thousands cheered as she jumped over it at least six times.

After being carried out the hurdle skipped town and no one ever heard from that particular hurdle again. Some reports claim it is commonly heckled and harassed as it hides behind the track and field sheds at local middle schools.