The events and statements in this column are purely fictional and solely for satirical purposes.

This week, I read at TheWeeklyCaricature.com that Iowa Board of Regents President David Miles accused the University of Northern Iowa of giving out degrees to students who never earned them. He said the university has been doing so for several years in an attempt to bolster revenue as state appropriations for higher education continue to decrease.

Wow! That was a shocker for me, too. What amazed me more, though, was the lack of press coverage this issue got in the local media. I didn’t read a single Waterloo-Cedar Falls Courier article or see anything on local TV. Even Iowa Public Radio neglected to report Miles’s accusation. With that said, I’ll go a little more in-depth into The Weekly Caricature article:
Miles said that UNI started giving out degrees because it would be easier to make up for the lack of state funding by increasing enrollment rather than looking to cut unneeded jobs.

He went on to say:
“I’ve heard numerous stories about university officials hiring friends to fill supervisor positions whose only job is to supervise a supervisor who supervises a professor who only supervises one or two students. If UNI were a business in the real world, it would go bankrupt before it ever took flight.

“What is happening at the University of Northern Iowa — handing out degrees to students who don’t deserve them — reflects a growing trend across our state and across the nation. An epidemic if you will,” Miles said.

This trend, as Miles indicated, is causing a phenomenon known as “degree inflation,” a process by which so many degrees are given out that the value of each degree is cheapened to the point where graduates with a Bachelor of Arts degree can no longer compete in the job market because everybody else also has a B.A.

These graduates must then return to school in order to acquire a more prestigious degree, which brings in more tuition money for the universities.

Because many students borrow money from the government to go to school, this practice by universities is costing students and taxpayers millions of dollars every year. But John Rafferty, an economist quoted in the article, believes businesses will soon come to realize that a more advanced degree does not mean a better employee.

“Our society has been taught — by colleges, mind you — that a higher degree means higher pay,” Rafferty said. “There may be a correlation, but it certainly doesn’t constitute causation. I see students nowadays who feel they’re entitled to cozy, high-paying jobs just because they’re toting around a master’s or a bachelor’s degree. The real world will hit them soon enough.”

The article indicated that UNI President Ben Allen had announced he would hold several meetings with top UNI officials to discuss the possibility of job cuts. But Allen said that nothing would likely happen at the meetings because the jobs of the officials attending are the same jobs likely to be cut.

“It’s like leading an old horse to the glue factory,” Allen said. “You can tempt ’em with all the carrots you want, but they ain’t likely to follow.”

To … Oh, wait. Somebody’s trying to tell me something.

“What’s that you say? TheWeeklyCaricature.com makes up news stories?

“Well, that’s quite odd.

“Never mind.”