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#UNIMustFightTheSquirrels It’s time we take a stand against the squirrels on campus. I remember my freshman year, the squirrels were so nice and kind. They would gently come up to you if you offered them food, and they would even let you touch them if you were kind. Then something changed. 

We all heard about the rumors, that the physics and chemistry departments were working on genetically modifying the squirrels. They were working on creating a squirrel that was so smart that it would even come to some UNI classes. This next breed of “Super Squirrels” was to be the crowning jewel of the UNI Sciences. 

Everyone thought this was just a rumor, perpetuated by the economics department and their hatred of the hard sciences. Then we started seeing the changes. The squirrels started getting more aggressive. Feeding them food resulted in them biting students. Then they started getting larger and larger, changing from brown to purple — even walking on two feet. 

The tipping point started when the squirrels started taking students one by one, never to be seen again. Students were told to go to class in packs of five or more or risk being taken themselves by these new super squirrels. 

After doing some hard research, I found out that senior physics major Corbyn Mellinger actually started the program. When questioned for comment Mellinger said, “this was supposed to be my greatest accomplishment. No grad school could deny me once I showed my true potential! But the squirrels became too smart too quickly. One day they got out of their cage. They surrounded me. I barely got out alive. What have I done?” 

These squirrels have caused nothing but pain and misery since their creation. Some students have tried to stop them. UNI Sword Fighting Club put up a valiant effort against these beasts. Unfortunately, there were no survivors. The squirrels have completely taken over our fine university. President Ruud has become nothing but a puppet master for the squirrel leaders. NISG President Kevin Gartman hasn’t been seen from in weeks since he and the other SigEp students fought the squirrels in what is now known as the “Night of 1000 Ripped Tails.” The squirrels have taken the Campanile as their headquarters. This campus is theirs until we can fight back.

The Board of Regents and Iowa Guard has blockaded the university, and the City Council’s new housing restrictions have increased. No student has been able to leave in weeks. I say enough is enough. All of us must fight back. If we do nothing, no one will be able to go to UNI ever again. Next Tuesday, April 7 at 1 p.m. we must all meet at the Campanile and fight. Bring whatever weapons you have: broadsword, airsoft guns, plastic forks, any and all items that could possibly be used must be brought. 

We must all fight together, if we act alone, we can be broken, like what happened to the on-campus Towers when they tried to fight by themselves. We must act as one university in hopes of stopping this. I will see you April 7 at 1 p.m. #UNIMustFightTheSquirrels.