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The student news site of the University of Northern Iowa

Northern Iowan

The student news site of the University of Northern Iowa

Northern Iowan

10 positive effects of global warming, BOOM

Note: The French Fry is an excerise in satire. The following articles and images are of a humorous nature and do not reflect actual events on campus or thoughts, beliefs and actions of the individuals mentioned. Any resemblence of any persons dead of living is just because we are awesome and we think you're awesome, too. Advertisers of pages other than 3,4,5 or 6 are in no way associated with The French Fry.

Recently, I came across an article that mapped out the top 10 worst effects of global warming. I respectfully disagree with this article in its entirety; so let me tell you why.

1. We are sinking. I mean, are we really “sinking?” I think it is more like the water is rising, but that is a whole different discussion. More importantly, if we are sinking then that just means we will lose cities like LA, New Orleans, Miami and San Francisco. I don’t know about you, but that won’t be too bad. 

2. Extinction of several species. First of all, “several” is a very vague word. It could mean 10 or 500, so this is obviously just a statement to scare you. But really this statement shouldn’t scare you at all. If we have the extinction of a species, that means less species that we have to know about; more room for other more important knowledge. 

3. Coral reef destruction. The article says this like we are going out to the ocean with our chainsaws and drills, destroying the coral reefs one at a time. If they do get destroyed, that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Every time I have a friend go swimming in the ocean, I feel like they come back with some infection because they cut themselves on a coral reef. So, again, not a bad thing. 

4. Increased spread of diseases. The spread of diseases has always been happening. If you say that the increased spread of diseases is a horrible effect, then you would also say that America should never have been settled by Europeans, which would be unpatriotic. If it weren’t for the spread of disease, you wouldn’t be part of a country that is the mother of the free world right now.

5. More destructive hurricanes. I am not even going to talk about this one because the only example the article lists is Hurricane Sandy, but this is just an anomaly and anomalies happen throughout the scientific world and will continue to happen. 

6. Increased amount of drought and heat waves. If we are having more water because the ice is melting then shouldn’t we have enough water to combat droughts? Hmm … Also, what is wrong with heat waves? I would have appreciated a few heat waves this winter. 

7. Melting of polar caps. Didn’t we already go over this in number one? This will provide us a means to combat those “nasty” droughts. Another thing that you naysayers haven’t considered is that if the polar ice caps melt then that means the polar bears will have to come out of hiding and adapt to warmer weather. Then we can domesticate them as pets! Who hasn’t wanted a pet polar bear at some point in their life?

8. Worldwide crop failures. Obviously this is caused by the droughts and heat waves, but can’t we agree that humans are smart enough to find ways to produce crops without rain? I think so. I wonder if the writers of this article think we are incompetent when it comes to producing food. This is a direct attack on the farmers of this magnificent country.

9. More forest fires. More forest fires just means more s’mores for us all. Also if we realize that there are more and more forest fires, we will do something drastic to prevent forest fires. Maybe reallocate flood disaster money to forest fire reduction. (Mind blown). Perhaps the melting of the ice caps will put out the forest fires? There are some simple solutions here people!

10. Formation of deadly smog. Don’t think of this as “deadly smog,” but more of just an annoying steam. And the steam won’t be that annoying either. This means our pores will look amazing. Can someone say, “exfoliate?” This is obviously just another great effect of global warming. 

As I have shown, global warming isn’t necessarily a bad thing; it has the possibility of having great effects on the world.

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