The University of Northern Iowa has had a “changing of the guard” during my time here. After the massive cuts that happened in my freshman year, we have seen former President Allen leave and President Ruud take over. We have seen former Provost Gibson depart, and Dr. Mike Licari take the helm temporarily as they find someone to permanently take the Provost position. 

The search for the next Provost is by far the most important position, second to the president, which is why I am throwing my hat into the ring to be the next UNI Provost. #BoisenforProvost2015

I know what you are thinking: this bozo the clown wants to be Provost? What makes him any more suited to be Provost than anyone else? I think that is an excellent question! Let me start by saying that I can correctly spell Provost, which is a pretty good start. 

On the Office of the Provost website, there are seven main priorities for the Provost. Let me go through each one and say what I would do as Provost:

1)Provide intellectually challenging experiences for undergraduate students by offering a strong liberal arts core and dynamic degree programs; and promote and encourage excellence in graduate education. — As a soon to be recipient of the ever powerful Bachelor of Arts degree, I am a pretty strong expert on this subject. What’s a better way to have a strong liberal arts core than with strong core exercises? There will be core exercises in every class, and by the time one graduates, their liberal arts core will be stronger than ever. 

2)Support a faculty distinguished by their creative and intellectually rigorous teaching and scholarship. 

To show I support the faculty, I will give faculty piggy back rides every Friday.  I will literally support them. To show creativity and intellectual rigor, there will also be finger painting and Sudoku puzzles at said piggy back rides. 

3)Promote interdisciplinary collaborations between faculty, departments and colleges that will result in courses and degree programs addressing current and future global, cultural, social, economic and/or political issues. 

Three words: Interdepartmental scavenger hunts. Departments will have to work together to solve this hunt, which will lead to better name recognition and future collaborations. Also, there will be prizes and cake. 

4)Focus on diverse educational delivery systems including innovative online programs and degrees. 

In order to be more innovative, students will be able to pay their U-bill in their piles of tears from student loan debt. Our online programs will be overhauled by making myUNIverse and eLearning actually usable. And UNI will the first college in the nation to have a degree in “Being famous on the internet using only cat videos and Vines”

5)Explore partnerships with other institutions of higher education in the state and world to reach new students.

We will partner with the University of Costa Rica to provide UNI students with the ability to spring break there for $18.76+tax using the Promo Code: BOISENIS

THEBESTPROVOSTE

VER (flight not included). 

6)Promote community engagement through both teaching and research to help address current and future cultural, social and economic issues in the state, nation and world. 

Ask me about this one once I’ve become Provost.

7)Advance UNI’s commitment to diversity (recruitment and retention of faculty, staff, and students; campus climate)

 I, a young, white middle-class male from Iowa, am the best resource on diversity that there is. I will work hard on recruiting students the same way I was recruited, make them not think about college until their senior year, and then go to the college that they’ve heard the most of that is also the cheapest. 

To keep them at UNI, I will continue UNI’s rich tradition of giving out free t-shirts whenever possible. To keep the campus climate positive, every TV will show reruns of UNI’s win over Kansas and trouncing of NDSU. 

I believe that I have adequately, and without a doubt, proven myself as the best candidate for the Provost position. If you have any questions about what I would do as Provost, put them on Twitter, with the hashtag #BoisenforProvost2015 and I will gladly ignore them. I’ll be waiting for your phone call, President Ruud.