It has taken me a very long time to realize that I have an anxiety disorder. Why? Because I felt that what I was feeling was normal–that it wasn’t a big deal. That I could handle it. But I realize now that I was very, very wrong.
Part of my problem with realizing that I was suffering from an anxiety disorder had to do with the kind of reactions I received when I told others what I was going through. Some people have been extremely kind and understanding, but some have essentially invalidated my feelings, my thoughts, my suffering because they thought that what I was going through was similar to their normal everyday stressors like presentations, tests, or interviews, and I went along with it for a while. I dealt with it, but what I experience isn’t normal.
It’s not normal to lie awake night after night, thinking and over-thinking and thinking again about something I said to someone the previous day. Or how I over-plan my every detour and pathway getting to class, work, a friend’s house, or to get up during class to use the bathroom. It goes further than just embarrassment over something I said the day before, or making sure I get somewhere on time, or making as little disturbance as possible so as not to distract other students: it’s a crippling experience that affects every aspect of my life.
I have spoken to other people suffering from other mental disorders and disabilities such as depression and anxiety, and resoundingly, I have found that they don’t talk freely about their illnesses because they don’t feel validated, or have repeatedly been told that what they feel isn’t real. Essentially, they are worried that if they confess to having a mental illness, the other person will try to make it seem what they’re going through is normal.
Well, I can tell you that what we suffer from is extremely real. I cannot speak for those suffering from other mental disorders, but I can certainly attest to the seriousness and debilitating nature of anxiety disorders. I want to be able to go to big parties without having to leave ten minutes in. I want to be able to leave my house without having five other parking plans set up in my head. I want to make an appointment over the phone without pacing around my room for 20 minutes hyperventilating beforehand.
It’s been my experience that people still do not treat mental disorders and disabilities the same as physical ones. People throw around words such as “bipolar,” “depressed,” “anxiety,” “schizo,” “OCD” and other words to over-exaggerate what they are feeling at the moment, and I understand why people do it, but it breeds a dysfunctional atmosphere that makes real sufferers of these diseases feel invalidated. There has been a separation of using these words to hyperbolize a feeling and using these words to explain an actual disease, with actual sufferers, and actual people.
It is my hope that anyone who thinks or knows they are suffering from a mental disease or disorder to receive a serious reception. Mental disorders and diseases are just as serious as physical disorders and diseases, and in fact, many mental disorders such as anxiety do produce physical symptoms. Shaking. Hyperventilating. Heart palpitations. The brain should be treated with as much kindness as the rest of the body.
