“My fellow Americans,” from President Trump


HANNAH CARR-MURPHY, Opinion Columnist

I must admit, dear readers, that, although I am not an overly spiritual person, I believe I’ve had a vision.

Like any proud Iowan, I have been filled with trepidation as the time of the Iowa caucus approaches. With the weight of this responsibility on my broad, peasant shoulders, I reached out to the spirit realms and asked the Spirit of Democracy to show me a State of the Union address under President Donald J. Trump.

Here it is, faithfully reported just as the Spirit conveyed it to me:

Mr. Speaker, Ms. Vice President Ivanka—my daughter Ivanka, stand up Ivanka, doesn’t she look amazing? She’s got a great body—members of congress, my fellow WINNING Americans, I’ve come here to tell you about the amazing stuff I’ve got planned for us. We are gonna start winning with President Trump! Won’t it be nice to be winning for a change?!

First, let me tell you about how we’re doing on the wall. The people I have working on this wall deal, let me tell you about them. They’re winners. I’ve got my best people on this; they’ve done deal with Mexico before. And you know Mexico, we can’t trust any of them.

Speaking of illegal immigrants, I want to take a minute to say hello to our friend, you know him, our friend, Ted Cruz. Of course, he will be watching this on his TV, because we had him deported back to his real country, Canada. I wish him well, I really do. When he was running for president, I said, “I hope he gets this figured out in court, so we can be sure we’re electing an American for president this time. I hope his visa paperwork goes well.”

Back to the wall. I’ve seen the plans, and let me tell you, they are beautiful. This is gonna be a big, beautiful wall, and we’re gonna call it “Trump Wall.” It’s got a ring to it, don’t you think? It’s got a ring to it just like “President Trump.”

And speaking of beautiful, have you all seen my daughter? She’s probably the best vice president we’ve ever had. She’s definitely the most beautiful.

I haven’t heard what Joe Biden is up to lately. He might be on one of my golf courses. I would invite him, I actually would. I have the best courses in the world, so I’d say, it’s likely that’s where he and the other guy would be now. You know who I mean, the other guy. Did we ever prove that he’s an American citizen? There were a lot of questions about that, you know, when he was president.

I took a real pay-cut when I became president, you know that? I have to say, if I didn’t have what’s left of that small, $1 million loan from my father, this president gig would be a real bad business decision for me. What can I say? I’m a servant. I’ll take a pay-cut if it means making America great again. I’m selfless.

So, in order to up the salary of this office to a living wage, I’ve cut social security, SNAP and the Department of Education. Because we got to make this country rich.

Somebody said, “Oh, that’s crass.” It’s not crass. It’s business. That’s why I’ve repealed and replaced the big lie, Obamacare. If you want healthcare in America, you can pay for it yourself. That’s what I’ve always done, and I’m the president!

The gravy train is over, folks. We’re gonna make America great again, and we’re gonna do it without these handouts for food and healthcare. TRUMP! TRUMP!TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!