Don’t want to pay back loans? Have children.


As a follow-up to my previous article, “I’m graduating soon… and I still have no idea what’s next,” where I discussed the uncertainties of what comes after graduation, here I will discuss the one certain obstacle most of us will face come six months from the day we graduate: student loans.

Yes, if you’re like me, you may be faced with the oncoming destruction known as crippling debt. It is a nasty beast, and it will have mercy on no human that has borrowed money in order to pay for what ends up being just a piece of paper.

So what is the solution? What is the answer to this problem?

Well, the answer essentially has two parts.

The first part of the solution is very simple. Stay in school. Never ever leave. Because as long as you are in college taking courses, you don’t have to pay a single dime back towards your loans! Isn’t that great?

I mean, sure, you are racking up more debt. But just think about how much you aren’t paying back at that exact moment! It’s literally zero! Practically free!

If you have no intentions of starting a family, I’d recommend continuing reading, even though the rest of the article does not pertain to you. But that’s OK; I welcome all.

It is a dream for a lot of us, right? Starting a loving family with a significant other, two children and possibly a dog or seven? Of course it is! And believe it or not, starting a family is essential for your student loan problems.

More specifically, your children. And here’s the second part of my solution.

No, I’m not suggesting you should take the advice of Jonathan Swift and eat your children when you are struggling to afford your groceries for the week.

If you are like most people on this earth, at some point you will eventually die. It’s kind of a crappy deal considering today’s society (we could at least be given some sort of consolation prize from the Man Upstairs), but this is what we’ve got, folks.

And because you’re thousands upon thousands of dollars in debt by this point (you’ve probably been in school at least 50 years by now), when you finally do pass on, all of that debt will go to your children to struggle to pay off for you.

“But Kyle, I could never do something like that to my children!”

Well, let me ask this, dear reader, why would you care? If you remember correctly, you are dead; I honestly don’t think you’ll care for much of anything by that point, let alone that someone else is paying off your loans! And out of all the people to do it, wouldn’t you want it to be your children?

So maybe my plan is a little convoluted. But, hey, it beats having to pay back student loans.