This article is completely satire, any resemblance to any real person is completely coincidental. The statements in the french fry do not reflect the views of the Northern Iowan, nor do they reflect the views of the advertisers outside of this insert.

Following the announcement that Provost Jam Whole-Part will be leaving UNI this May, UNI has been searching for someone to fill the position for the upcoming academic year.

That being said, the search has not been easy.

“We’re having issues finding a replacement, since, well, quite frankly, no one even knows what a provost does,” search committee director Sally Squirrel said.

Several students were confused by the title as well when asked.

Eight-year senior and undeclared major Van Wilder said, “I’ve met the Provost a couple of times for some issues I may or may not have had caused on campus. Or maybe that was the Dean. I’m not sure what the difference is, to be honest.”

Political communications senior Jason Blasin remarked, “If I had to guess, it’s just another white guy in a suit and tie telling us ‘kids’ what to do with our lives.”

So just what does a provost do? It varies from school to school. At UNI, the Provost is listed as “chief academic and operating officer of the campus,” with duties ranging from the functioning of the campus to leadership in management. On a closer look, it appears the Provost does mostly anything the President tells them to do, which is understandably not the most appealing position. 

After learning the different tasks that the Provost is in charge of, Blasin was still left unimpressed.

“So, what exactly does the President do, if this guy (the Provost) seems to do everything and anything?” he asked. 

Current assistant to the Provost Steve Stevens said, “Who wants to apply to a position which in layman’s terms basically means assistant to the President, while also still doing the President’s job? No one – that’s who! Which is why no one has.” 

TC had been rumored to have applied to the position but was denied due to his recent termination (see full coverage above). 

The now ex-mascot overheard the interview while packing his office and stopped to give a statement.

“The school has not seen the last of me just yet; it might just be in a different uniform,” he said, adding, “This school would be better off keeping those loyal to them close, instead of ditching them. What is UNI without its panther?”

Following his statement, campus security ushered TC off of campus grounds.

Squirrel recounted the only other applicant they had.

“We did have one qualified candidate, but they left us for Iowa – something about them getting mental health days and us not even having one,” she said, shaking her head.

Overall, Squirrel is just holding out for future applicants.

“Listen, I get it, no one cares enough to apply,” she said. “But we’re getting pretty desperate, so if you need a job, just apply. I don’t even care what your credentials are.”