This article is completely satire, any resemblance to any real person is completely coincidental. The statements in the french fry do not reflect the views of the Northern Iowan, nor do they reflect the views of the advertisers outside of this insert.

Spring being just around the corner, the reptiles of McCollum decided to get out and enjoy the warmer weather on Monday, March 28. However, this stroll through campus was not under the supervision of reptile lab assistants or professors; the reptiles managed to make the escape from their enclosures all on their own.

“I thought it was a joke when I heard that the reptiles escaped from McCollum, I was worried about the squirrels around campus but now I have to worry about reptiles!” said Taylor Krieps, junior elementary education major.

Students making their way to early morning classes on Monday were the first to find the loose reptiles across campus, with some hanging out within campus buildings. A bale, or group of turtles, was found in various spots within the botanical center, taking advantage of the warm atmosphere and various plants. 

Among the acrobat sculpture near Redeker, snakes were seen imitating the three figures and dangling from limbs. Specifically, snakes known as Big Noodle and Darth were at the highest point and refused any efforts to remove them. 

As for the lizards, they scattered themselves among the campanile. A majority were seen lower on the base and closer to the ground, leading to their discovery. But a select few decided to ride the hands of the clock as it rotated around. It took a lot of coercing and creative efforts to get them down from such heights. 

Kennedy Haldsrud, junior English education major, was one of the first to find the lizards out and about, “I was just walking to class when I noticed something moving among the base of the campanile, it freaked me out! As I got closer, I realized it was a lizard! While I was passing by, I noticed more scaling the entire height of the campanile, it was so weird!” said Halsrud. 

The two alligators of McCollum, Steve and Wally, also partook in the great reptilian escape.  Steve, being the oldest of the two, headed for the botanical center for a relaxing, warm getaway.  Wally, who is usually seen resting in his large tank of water, headed for the pool in the WRC to get some laps in.      

Ruby Mitchell, freshman biology major and McCollum alligator enthusiast, knew exactly where the gators wandered to, “I was kind of rooting for them, if I’m being honest. You should’ve seen how happy they looked while at their place of escape. I mean, is it dangerous for alligators to be roaming campus? Probably. However, Steve and Wally wouldn’t even think about harming a UNI student. They should be treated as well as the squirrels on campus are treated.” said Mitchell, who was later found petting both alligators and giving them treats in their proper enclosures.

By the afternoon on Monday, all the reptile escapees were collected from around campus and put back into their enclosures in McCollum. UNI PD was the first to answer calls about the loose animals, but they found that they could not accomplish this all on their own and needed to call in reinforcements. 

“It was clear we did not have enough manpower or experience to deal with this incident, so our next step was to contact Blank Park Zoo who successfully located and returned all reptiles to McCollum,” said one officer. 

As the reptiles are now all safe and sound in their respective places, reptile lab assistants and professors are starting to evaluate the security of keeping the reptiles on campus. Extra locks, laser sensors, and additional infant security gates are potential ideas. For the time being, professors hope the reptiles will be satisfied with their unexpected campus stroll long enough for increased safety measures to be installed.