Squirrels of UNI mount violent rodent revolution


UNI Squirrels

UNI squirrels have taken up arms against humans in a revolutionary fight for freedom and vengeance.

Carl McChristensen, Human Bean

This article is completely satire, any resemblance to any real person is completely coincidental. The statements in the french fry do not reflect the views of the Northern Iowan, nor do they reflect the views of the advertisers outside of this insert.

The time of revolution is nigh for the squirrels on UNI’s campus. The furry fiends have armed themselves with acorns and a thirst for vengeance against students. Unsuspecting pedestrians have found themselves bludgeoned with acorns and even small branches hurled from squirrels perched in the trees.

One student, Jed I. Knight, found themselves a target for the squirrels while walking to Lang Hall in between classes.

“They came out of nowhere,” Knight said. “About seven squirrels just started pelting me with acorns. For such tiny arms they can throw surprisingly hard.”

They added, “I swear I heard one of the squirrels squeak “viva la revolution.”’

Hammockers have also been victims of the violent furballs, with many reporting being bombarded by barrages of squirrels receiving scratches and other minor injuries. The squirrels’ guerilla warfare seems to be advancing, as one unfortunate incident occurred in a classroom in Curris Business Building when a rogue squirrel snuck into the backpack of an unsuspecting student. The squirrel then launched out during the middle of class causing mass chaos. 

In a ghastly turn of events, the squirrels have taken beloved UNI school mascots TC and TK hostage, and have made a list of demands to President Nark Mook. Their demands include justice be served for the squirrels who have been run over by cars, freedom from systemic rodent oppression and two bags of lightly salted peanuts. 

President Nark Mook has vowed a swift victory against the revolutionary rodents, publicly stating his solidarity with the squirrel’s victims.

“We do not negotiate with squirrel terrorists,” Mook said in a press release. “TC and TK are in our thoughts as we continue to assess this hostage situation. Hiring an exterminator has been considered.”

NISG President Bam Sennett has introduced legislation encouraging students to wear helmets while walking around campus to prevent injuries from squirrel attacks. Additionally the Student Health Center will be offering free rabies vaccinations for those who have been attacked.

In order to combat these violent vermin, some students have taken to arming themselves with BeeBee guns to protect themselves from surprise attacks. One student, Jek Porkins, has taken action against the mutinous squirrels by arming himself with a handheld beebee gun, a ghille suit and binoculars.

“War is hell,” Porkins said. “You’ve always got to be on your guard for those vicious little tree rats.”

However, not all students are supportive of violence against the revolutionary rodents. Animal activist Elaine Sleazebaggano staged a peaceful sit-in below an oak tree in defiance of violence against squirrels. 

“These squirrels are just misunderstood,” Sleazebaggano said. “We shouldn’t go around shooting these squirrels willy-nilly. They aren’t all homicidal maniacs.”