The Greens are back in town



BJ Green, CJ Green, DJ Green, EJ Green and TJ Green practice their dribbling inside the McLeod Center.

David 'Winner' Warrington, Go Sports!!!!

The French Fry is completely satire. Any resemblance to any real person is completely coincidental. The statements in the French Fry do not reflect the views of the Northern Iowan, nor do they reflect the views of the advertisements outside of this insert. 

UNI basketball fans are all familiar with AJ Green. The all-time Panther great led UNI to two regular season Missouri Valley Conference (MVC) championships, and is now making waves with the NBA’s Milwaukee Bucks. Any Panther fan that watched Green play certainly wished at one point or another that they could have an entire team filled with just AJ Green. Well today, those fans are in luck.

UNI Head Coach Ben Jacobson announced today that UNI has signed five new players, BJ Green, CJ Green, DJ Green, EJ Green and TJ Green, all identical siblings of AJ. How these players flew under the radar and avoided public attention while their brother starred for the Panthers is anybody’s guess, and Coach Jacobson is just as curious about the situation as the rest of us.

“I have no idea where these kids came from,” said Coach Jacobson. “I mean, as long as I coached AJ and worked with his dad, you’d think I would’ve heard about this. Five twins? What is that, quintuplets? You’d think I would’ve heard about that.”

However, Coach Jacobson is not letting this confusion stop him from adding them to the UNI roster. “Look, I’m not asking questions. It’s five AJ Greens, I’m not turning that down.”

The Green siblings are all identical to AJ, both in appearance and in their game. This presents a huge problem to the MVC. The size and skillset, including their outstanding three point shooting, will be nearly impossible to stop when they get on the court.

“We look forward to continuing the legacy of the Green family in this program and bringing the Panthers back to the top,” explained EJ Green. At least, we think it was EJ. We’re not totally sure.

“This is a special program,” began BJ Green (or was it CJ? TJ? Idk man, you tell me). “The Valley isn’t ready for what’s coming. Nobody has ever seen a team like this before.

However, this roster move isn’t without controversy, and raises plenty of questions. What is going to happen to the other top players? Will there be enough bench minutes to go around with five Greens running around the floor? How did the Green family hide five identical siblings? How will the Panthers make room on the team for these five new players? One would think some players will have to be cut from the team, so how will that play out? Seriously, where did these kids come from? Why is nobody else freaking out? Five kids, just hiding, never heard from until now? Anybody? Am I the crazy one here?

Hopefully all of these questions will be answered in due time, but for now, what we know is this. One of the top players in the history of UNI’s program has essentially been multiplied to fill every spot on the floor. How this could result in anything other than a conference championship is anyone’s guess, and the Panthers will certainly be a problem for the Valley this season.