Student Government taken over by Revolutionary UNI squirrels



UNI squirrels celebrate a valiant victory over the NSIG members. However, the NISG members are determined to fight to take their office back.

Carl McChristensen, Human Bean

The French Fry is completely satire. Any resemblance to any real person is completely coincidental. The statements in the French Fry do not reflect the views of the Northern Iowan, nor do they reflect the views of the advertisements outside of this insert. 

To the shock and confusion of the student body, the UNI squirrels have taken over Northern Iowa Student Government (NISG) in a vicious coup. 

Armed with acorns and a thirst for blood, the squirrels stormed the NISG offices Monday morning in a surprise attack. NISG members were quickly overwhelmed by the furry fiends and surrendered within the hour. 

“We fought valiantly and down to the last man,” Ousted President Meila Lasinovic said. “There were just too many of them, there was nothing we could do.”

The ringleader of the squirrels, known as “Squeaker McSqeakens” has declared martial law. As one of his first actions in office, he has proclaimed everyday to be celebrated as National Acorn Appreciation Day. 

“This is simply outrageous,” UNI President Nark Mook said in a statement to the press. “This will not stand. The squirrels of UNI must be stopped and power returned to the students.”

A resistance group formed by NISG members called “Down with the Nuts” has been working to usurp the squirrels and take back control. 

“We have been taking several kickboxing classes at the Wellness Recreation Center to hone our skills,” Ousted Vice President Kicaiah Mrutsinger said. “Additionally, we have been in contact with an exterminator and have purchased several squirrel traps.”

Until the squirrels are defeated, they will have the power to give funding to student organizations, lobby the state legislature and the Board of Regents among other things.

“I have faith in our students that they will take back control of student government,” President Nark Mook said. “We will win the day against these violent vermin.”